A gay former member came back to collect something from the church building in 2021. Two deacons …
T=0: The Decision
Born into the church. Worship leader from age 19. Twenty years of the same community, the same Sunday morning, the same framework for understanding everything. My doubts had been growing since 2015 but I had nowhere to put them.
A gay former member came back to collect something from the church building in 2021. Two deacons asked him to leave before he had done so. I watched it happen. I did not intervene. I drove home and did not go back. I left quietly. I told no one for three months.
A self that is mine rather than inherited. Not knowing what I believe until I have the space to find out.
3 Months Out
Sunday mornings are the hardest. Twenty years of purposeful mornings replaced by nothing. The grief is genuine — not for the belief system but for the community and the structure. The two were inseparable and I did not know that until they were gone simultaneously.
“Do not make secondary decisions too quickly — do not immediately join something else, start something else, or announce a new identity. Give the empty space time before you fill it.”